Fight the Funk!

By: Andrew Stookey

The year is 2015. Ever since the dawn of humanity, people have been taking baths to cleanse themselves. Not only does it fight body odor, but it makes us look better, less grimy. Now, in our day and age, we have showers, a preferred way of cleaning ourselves. Body washes, shampoos, and conditioners in many different scents and odor fighting chemicals make staying clean as easy as ever, and deodorant furthers the effort to smell good.

But the problem remains. We’ve all been there. A freshman gets out of gym class and smells like straight B.O. Said child walks down the hall, and a wave of putrid filth crawls into everyone’s nostrils. Students and teachers alike are passing out, one by one, all because of one issue. The offender did not wear deodorant.

This year, the line was crossed by, of course, the freshmen. The school board has finally acted out on this problem, and is introducing something to high school that hasn’t been around for years. That’s right, kiddies. Showers are coming back. For all those odor offenders out there, mandatory in-school showers will be the punishment.

If a teacher detects a little bit of that freshman funk in the air, or they are tipped off by a bothered student, the one responsible for the rank will be sent straight to the office, where master sniffer Mr. Key will smell the dirty doer from head to toe, and make a decision. If the contaminated culprit fails inspection, they will be sent straight to the good ol’ locker room in the gym, where they will be forced to take a shower.

This punishment applies to both boys and girls, as we practice equal rights here at Lloyd Memorial. No more Stinky Susie’s or Tainted Tommy’s. Our school will become a place of freshness, and the noses of Lloyd will no longer have to face the smelly, the rancid, the fetid, and the fearsome funk. So if you forget to bring your deodorant, don’t forget to bring a towel.