Why the World Might End in 2012...and Why It Might Not

by Tony Otten

theindiepedant.com

Humans have spent heaps of time and kilowatts of brainpower in giving a name to the Great End of everything that is known: Armageddon, the Apocalypse, Judgment Day, the Rapture, the Big Crunch, Doomsday, Tax Day, and Thanksgiving (turkeys only). What most don’t realize today is that an end-of-the-world hysteria clutches the world every ten to twelve years—and obviously, for this cycle to be noticeable, these panics have to be false. Harold Camping, a California radio-preacher with a devoted following, predicted the world would end in 1988, 1994, May 2011 and, finally, October 2011. The only disaster that happened was that Camping had a stroke last June, which probably led to his prediction for October.

            I am a skeptic myself as to whether anyone can know when the world will end, and would be perfectly happy to live and let live if the antics of some Doomsday believers weren’t so troubling. A man in New York City spent his entire life savings of $140,000 on advertisements for Camping’s May 2011 prophecy. Online “survivor” stores are selling Armageddon gear and solar-powered hippie-ovens like the proverbial hotcakes. A reality show called Doomsday Preppers now documents the lives of these believers on the National Geographic Channel. Most of the frenzy is based around the Mayan Prophecy for December 2012, when the ancient calendar cuts off. Despite much mockery of the prediction, millions are still troubled, and even suicidal, over the upcoming date. I have to ask, though: do any of these 2012-believers take other Mayan customs seriously? Do they think they can cause rain by offering up a jaguar’s heart on an altar, or keep the sun in the sky by sacrificing humans to a hungry idol? If they don’t, they need to question their beliefs; if they do, they need to be arrested, for cripes’ sakes.

            While I don’t trust the Mayan panic, I do have a few suggestions for more practical reasons that the world will end. Just to be fair and balanced, I included a few reasons it won’t.

Why We Will All Face Death in the Coming Year:

—Kim Kardashian and her 72-day husband start a reality show about their divorce trial.

—Either Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, or Newt Gingrich has oozed his way into the President’s chair.

—Lions Gate Entertainment announces they are cancelling all sequels to The Hunger Games movie because they made enough money off the first one.

—Lloyd’s 2012 seniors pick “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey as their class song.

Why the End-of-the-World Talk is All a Bunch of Woo-Woo:

—The Mayans couldn’t even see their own end coming. What makes you think they could see ours?

—Jersey Shore’s Snooki hasn’t had her baby yet, and we’re all waiting to see if the kid comes out tanned and sporting eyeliner.

—Anchorman 2 starring Will Ferrell hasn’t come out yet. (Oh, wait—that might be a good reason for the world to end. Let’s go, Mayans.)